From the beginning of my mental health I was struggling with little things in life, going to work seemed effort, going to the shop I was scared. I let that build and build until I just dropped to an all time low. I never felt this low before and wasn’t feeling myself. I felt separated from my self to a point were I was going out and I was that separated I felt like I was watching myself from a frosted piece of glass, it wasn’t right.
I was getting thoughts that shouldn’t have been crossing my mind, ‘Yes’ actual thoughts of ending my life. Work became over whelming and stressful, which then I took it out on those closest to me at the time, causing relationships to break down and I felt like everything and everyone was against me. It was the hardest point of my life driving home from work, wanting to crash into oncoming cars and ending my life quickly, even sitting in the bath with scissors debating cutting myself, sometimes I did.
My friend noticed I was loosing weight and wasn’t eating or sleeping. He asked and I confided in a friend. He took me straight to A & E and we talked to somebody right there and then, after 3 hours of talking I felt like I’d had the world lifting of my shoulders. That was the hardest point, opening up I felt absolutely stupid, but they got it. I went a full year of rehabilitation, talking and eventually going into a group. I felt like I made it through as a different person, my medication helped, my confidence grew and I made drastic changes to my life. I was advised to try things. I went to the gym and just felt uncomfortable and then I thought I’ll play football again so I did.
I made a drastic change to my life and moved 60 miles away for 5/6 years and didn’t know anybody. I thought it would be a great move but turned out I was spiralling out of control again and I went from 100%-2% literally over night. I knew what was happening this time as I’d been into this position before and I tried everything but being distant from friends and family was too much. I quit my job and moved back.
When I was on holidays I got introduced to LoveFootball as I’d be in the area and started I felt anxious going to that first game thinking all sorts but I walked away from that pitch that night with a big smile and thought this is what I needed. Little changes in my life, I moved back, I found a new job, I started playing football more and my life benefited.
I open up on mental health to anybody who asks and always will. Now I’m on more tablets than ever, Weight fluctuating up and down but I’m happy and I’m on my way to starting my own business and thriving once more. Once looking at myself through a misted piece of glass to climbing the mountain to find what’s on the other side.
We all get there and opening up is the must.
-Stuart
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